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Hoboken 4-Year Old Loses Faith in Humanity Following Bicycle Seat Theft

This article was written by Hoboken Author Chris Halleron. He has written for the Hoboken Reporter, h-Mag and now has his own blog www.ChrisHalleron.com and wanted to share this with TheBoken.com’s readers. His most recent post has to do with how the recent theft of a bike seat in Hoboken has affected his 4 year old son’s faith in humanity. Hoboken may be a relatively safe place to live but we still have crime and this is Chris’ take on the incident.

Hoboken 4-Year Old Loses Faith in Humanity Following Bicycle Seat Theft

Four-year old Jack Halleron has seen the thin veneer of his childhood innocence stripped away by the recent theft of a seat from his parents’ bicycle.

At 08:27 a.m. on Friday, June 01, 2012, as his mother attempted to make use of the bicycle in a responsible, ecologically friend effort to transport the child to school, young Master Halleron was the first to notice the seat was missing. At that exact moment, his faith in humanity was completely and utterly lost—with little to no hope of its restoration.

“Who would do that, Mommy?” inquired a befuddled Halleron.

“A stranger,” she replied, with her own measure of jaded disgust.

“Oh man—that’s terrible. I don’t like that stranger,” said Halleron, as he decided then and there that all strangers were in fact inherently evil and not to be trusted.

As the day wore on, Halleron’s consuming disbelief showed no signs of relenting. He told his entire class, all his teachers and a clerk at a local bodega of his devastating loss. “It’s just bad,” he said, still reeling in a disaffected daze. “It’s some bad business, that stranger who took my bike seat.”

Possible suspect “Swiper the Fox”

Prior to the bicycle seat, Halleron’s only previous exposure to the seedy underworld of thievery had come in the fairly benign form of “Swiper the Fox,” from the children’s television program “Dora the Explorer.” His only prior revelation that there may in fact be evil in the universe had been a tacit acknowledgment of the “Dark Side” of “The Force,” as he watched Anakin Skywalker morph into the insidious Darth Vader from the Star Wars series of feature films. Other than that, Halleron’s world had been a sterling utopia of around-the-clock bliss, maintained via absolutely flawless parenting.

“Gooood… I can feel your anger…”

In the days following the theft, Halleron’s woe was compounded by the fact that Flo On Wheels, Hoboken’s principle bicycle shop (1222 Washington Street), did not have a replacement seat on hand. “Oh no,” he cried. “Now I have to walk? But my feet don’t work.” The psychosomatic paralysis was no doubt brought on by the comprehensive trauma of the event.

Halleron’s disappointment in mankind is not without merit. The fact remains that the bicycle had an additional child’s seat conspicuously attached to it, thereby indicating to the petit thief in no uncertain terms that his or her actions would directly affect a child’s world view. But given the spate of bicycle-related thefts in Halleron’s neighborhood as of late, the soulless being responsible for the pilfering is likely an absolutely abhorrent douchebag to begin with.

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers…”

“I mean, really,” said Halleron’s father, “what kind of f**ing a$$h*le steals a g*ddamn bike seat?” Adding, “I hope it gives him a scorching case of hemorrhoids.”

As for the younger Halleron, the dark shadow of mistrust remains firmly ensconced in the vengeful lad’s psyche as he longs for justice. He continues to pepper absolute strangers with a form of passive-aggressive interrogation—at the park, at the store, in restaurants or any other random public forum.

“You know what happened? Someone stole my bike seat. It was a stranger. So, what’s your name?”

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1 Comment

  1. U-N-I-Q-U-E

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    Comment by emreyfaiver — August 2, 2012 @ 11:47 PM

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